1972

Spawned in Opelika, AL.

I share a birthday with Emily Dickinson (yassss) and Rod Blagojevich (eeew).

1979

The fam moves to a little house in Houston, TX. I had chickenpox and my mom kept dabbing makeup on me throughout the flight so I wouldn’t get kicked off the plane.

1984

Diagnosed with ADD. Parents put me on Ritalin and that shit turns me into a zombie. They decided to just let their middle kid…be a kid.

1986

I join choir and Ms. Prescott’s Drama class because my brother was already in band and even though I wanted to play drums, my parents couldn’t afford an instrument for me, too. Birth of a Drama Kween.

1990

Stint as Daffy Duck at Astroworld over the summer. Made $9/hour. EPIC.

1996

Ate something I shouldn’t have. Got food poisoning. This happens a lot so I figured I should put it somewhere.

2001

Went to see STOMP! About 30 minutes in, I’m crying because on that stage is where I want to be. Who the fuck cries at STOMP!? (me) Sign up for acting classes. Get an agent. Become top booking talent in the wee small pond of San Diego.

2002-2004

Move to LA (bigger pond). After two years of not being enough or being told I’m too much, told LA boi BYE. I manufacture a bullshit resume and get a gig in marketing support.

2005

Moved to Las Vegas (where culture goes to die, but at least housing was cheaper than LA).

2009

Lose my ass after putting everything into a startup. Crawl back from $620 in my bank account and payday loans. Sexy.

2010

Jason (boyfriend) dies. Life goes to shit. Commence 20 months of living the unprettiest parts of a Hunter S. Thompson novel.

2011

Write 2 books in a depression-fueled fog. Contemplate checking out of Planet Earth multiple times. Try once. Fail. Thankfully.

2012

Actively decide to get my life back. Get asked to tell a story at TEDx Boulder. Shit my pants. Got standing ovation from 2100 people. NIFTY.

2012-2014

Single. Talking to a therapist seems smarter than texting one-night stands.

2013

Moved to Chicago to return to writing and performing. Commence 5 years of trust issues with the weather and an unnatural relationship with a North Face parka.

2015

Fall in love with Clark Kent (not his real name). Write a solo piece about Clark Kent that Clark Kent never sees. Which sounds creepy. But it’s not. (Really, it’s not.)

2018

Mom died. Had a horrible incident with a funeral director named Zelma. Married my person in pants with pockets. First 2 items: 0 stars. Last item: 5 stars.

2019

Said farewell to Chicago. Put a moving truck into a ditch in Madison Couty, Iowa during a blizzard. Fuck those bridges and that entire county. But delighted to be back in LA!

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