I’m E. — Just a big-ass letter with a period after it.
I’m on a mission to un-fuck the world, one hope-drenched story at a time.
Spawned in Opelika, AL.
I share a birthday with Emily Dickinson (yassss)
and Rod Blagojevich (eeew).
The fam moves to a little house in Houston, TX. I had chickenpox and my mom kept dabbing makeup on me throughout the flight so I wouldn’t get kicked off the plane. 1979
Diagnosed with ADD. Parents put me on Ritalin and that shit turns me into a zombie. They decided to just let their middle kid…
be a kid.1984
I join choir and Ms. Prescott’s Drama class because my brother was already in band and even though I wanted to play drums, my parents couldn’t afford an instrument for me, too. Birth of a Drama Kween.1986
Stint as Daffy Duck at Astroworld over the summer. Made $9/hour. EPIC.1990
Ate something I shouldn’t have. Got food poisoning. This happens a lot so I figured I should put it somewhere.1996
Go to see STOMP! 30 minutes in, I’m crying because on that stage is where I want to be. Who the fuck cries at STOMP!? (me) Sign up for acting classes. Get an agent. Become top booking talent in the wee small pond of San Diego.2001
Move to LA (bigger pond). After two years of not being enough or being told I’m too much, told LA boi BYE. I manufacture a bullshit resume and get a gig in marketing support.2002-2004
Move to Las Vegas (where culture goes to die, but housing was WAY cheaper than LA). Adopt Hippopotamus and Penelope (the pups).2005
Lose my ass after putting everything into a startup. Crawl back from $620 in my bank account and payday loans. Sexy.2009
Jason (partner) dies. Life goes to shit. Commence 20 months of living the unprettiest parts of a Hunter S. Thompson novel.2010
Write 2 books in a depression-fueled fog. Contemplate checking out of Planet Earth multiple times. Try once. Fail. Thankfully.2011
Actively decide to get my life back. Get asked to tell a story at TEDx Boulder. Shit my pants. Get a standing ovation from 2100 people. It's like cocaine but louder and legal.2012
Single. Talking to a therapist seems smarter than texting one-night stands.2012-2014
Moved to Chicago to return to writing and performing. Commence 5 years of trust issues with the weather and an unnatural relationship with a North Face parka.2013
This is as good a time as any to mention I’m a nonbinary bisexual and my pronouns are she/they/y'all.2014
Fall in love with Clark Kent (not his real name). Write a solo piece about Clark Kent that Clark Kent never sees. Which sounds creepy. But it’s not. (Really, it’s not.)2015
My Hippo puppy dies **uncontrollable wail** which sucks massive ass. If you wanna read about it and cry with me, visit my CRY page.2017
Mom dies suddenly in March and I use every ounce of willpower to refrain from punching a funeral director named Zelma. In August, I marry my person in pants with pockets. First 2 items: 0/5 stars. Last item: 5/5 stars.2018
Say farewell to Chicago. Put a moving truck into a ditch in Madison County, Iowa during a blizzard. Fuck those bridges and that entire county. But delighted to be back in LA!2019
**Gestures broadly to the shit show** Adopted a COVID puppy named Oliver and he's a total Floof Noodle.2020
Renewal for Season 2 of Shit Show announced. I think about Mom a lot. Went back on Ritalin. Fucking love me some Ritalin. Took out my first TV show!2021
The Season 3 renewal that no one asked for. Fuck it. My word for the year is "unstoppable." What's yours?2022
