Chapter 12 - The Ring

Swank Ass Bear blinked.

Blinked again. He was completely fucking blinded by the nine rings laid out in front of him.

"The ladies dig this shit?" he thought.

And out of nowhere, the gazelle in the white button down behind the counter said, "The ladies love diamonds, sir." Of course they do, thought Pooh.

It's what's on the inside that counts, right? Not these silly, nilly, willy, shiny things staring back at me. A formality, thought Pooh. Fiona wants ME, he thought.

Yes. She just wants me.

"So," inquired Pooh of the gazelle, "Do the ladies really care about the size and shape and shiny of things? I mean, Fiona is in love with ME. A bigger ring doesn't equal bigger love, right?"

Which made Pooh think of a silly show on HBO about a guy names Hank who got a whole lot of tail but it was AOK because God and stuff and things and that wasn't important right now but he'd add it to his Netflix queue later if he could find it.

The gazelle just stared at Pooh with a blank glare. He looked right. Looked left. And once he had Pooh's eye once again, he leaned forward and had this to say:

"Look, this shit is ruh-DIC, but don't you play me. I saw you roll up in that 5-series with the custom plates that say HNNYPOT. You've got it," dropped the gazelle. "Yeah, you've got it. So here's my piece of advice for you: Quit fucking around. You've been staring at these nine rings for an hour and you can either pick one or not. But if you get that fox of yours a piddly ass, fairy fart of a ring, she's going to remember that YOU gave her a piddly ass, fairy fart of a ring. And then she's going to marry your piddly ass with that fairy fart ring on. And if that's how you want your wedding -- you know, the day you trade in all of that strange, furry ass you've been getting for the SAME piece of ass for all of eternity -- to go down, that's cool. But my advice is to quit fucking around and pick one of these two rings."

And with that, the gazelle nosed the first one forward. "This one says 'Yeah, you want this. Your girlfriends will talk and you'll be the envy of the day spa for years because none of your friends could ever hope to score a grown-ass bear like you scored. Just touch that for a minute, Bear."

Pooh touched the ring. He got a little tingle as he took in the shine. After a moment, the gazelle told Pooh to put down the first ring and nosed forward the second ring.

"This one? This one says, 'KWEEN, you can't NOT marry me.' And frankly, my yellow friend, you're a bear of incomparable confidence. It takes balls to walk into a shop like this because you're thinking of giving your balls over to your lady love. And if you've got balls that big, my friend, this is the ring. Fuck those other eight rings because you deserve the ring that will ruin it for every other creature in the forest and lock it all up for you."

Pooh just stared. After a moment, he reached forward and gingerly took the ring. And suddenly, he felt another 20 acres being added to his Hundred Acre Woods down below.

And at that moment, he felt like a fool with a credit card at a Tony Robbins seminar but he couldn't help himself. He was tingly all over because he realized that more than the ring, he wanted to see the look on Fiona’s face when he gave it to her. And on that day, in that jewelry shop, that thought is what made Pooh say:

"Wrap this up. THIS is my lady's ring."

And once again, Pooh found himself slapping his Black Card on the counter and thinking of Tigger.

Tigger? The fuck.

Yeah, Tigger. That bouncy motherfucker was never going to believe this.

A swipe, a paw print, a tiny sack, and a smile later, the gazelle ushered our Swank Ass Bear out the front door.

And yeah. It was good day. A good fucking day, indeed.