Chapter 8 - A New Stump

Pooh and Fiona walked up the steps to greet Pooh's real estate agent. Perched on the top step of the building's stoop was Sammy Snake. Green and yellow and coiled ever so neatly, a briefcase resting next to his side.

How the fuck does he carry the briefcase? thought Pooh.

Tiddly-widdly-anyhoo, said Pooh to his bear self in response. Doesn't much matter. Just let me get inside and see this pad. He was growing weary of his low-rent tree stump.

"Welcome, you sssssavvy couple," said Sammy. "Sssshall we sssstep inside to sssssee this wonderful placcccce?"

Fiona looked at Pooh and smiled. "Come on, Bear," she said. "Let's ssssstep inssssside."

At that moment, Pooh let out a snort-laugh. Fiona turned to look at him and he felt his Bear Face go red. She snickered and tugged his hand towards the door.

Up, up, up three flights of stairs they went, Sammy slithering ahead of them and all the while extolling the virtues of the remarkably clean building.

Sssssatin finished hardwood flooring.

Ssssstainless sssssteel appliances.

Sssssnow removal in the wintertime.

Sammy flung open the front door slithered in. Pooh stepped forward and ever so slowly-wowly peeked his Bear Head inside.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shitballs.

Thought Pooh. It's a goddamn mansion.

Sammy had been right with his ssssstories about the virtues of this two-bedroom ssssspot of sssssweetness.

Fiona let out a giggle. "Come on, Pooh -- let's have a look!"

Hand in hand, they jostled and jiggled from the foyer to the fridge, the living room to the bedroom to the bathroom and then bedroom number two, two, two. All along the way, Pooh counted the doors.

One door up front, to let in my friends.

One door to the bathroom, so no one will ever have to know what a bear does in the woods ever again.

One door to the bedroom, which has something inside called a closet. Fiona said he could keep his honeypots in there. It seemed practical and was a bonus door to boot.

One more door to the other bedroom, where Tigger could sleep it off after he showed up with that Wizard of Oz-rated weed he sometimes scored from that penguin in Never Never Land.

Five doors, thought Pooh. Do I really need five doors?

And right then, with Sammy out of sssssight, Fiona leaned over and grabbed Pooh's Bear bottom and planted a kiss right on his snout.

"It's lovely, Pooh. And you are, too."

Pooh felt his Bear Face getting all red like it had been stung by a bazillion bees. A smile crept across his face.

I definitely want to share a beer with this girl in the bathroom, he thought.

He took her by her Foxy Paw and led her back into the living room where Sammy was sssssitting, the briefcase still right by his ssssside.

The fuck, though Pooh once again. What's with the briefcase and how did he get it up here?!

"How much?" asked Pooh.

To which Sammy replied with a sssssimple number.

Pooh's Bear Jaw dropped and he saw Fiona's Fox Jaw drop, too.

"You fucking kidding me, Scales?" said Pooh.

And with that, Sammy slid down and his briefcase popped open wide. Out from it came some papers he had stashed inside.

"Ssssso I take it you'll take it?" asked Sammy the Snake.

To which Pooh replied, "Yessir -- goddamn straight."

And on that day, on the fringe of the Woods, Pooh Bear became a homeowner. And all was quite right and fucking-A good.